JOKE #1
A guy hears a knock on his door. He opens it and there’s a snail standing there. The snail says, “Hey can I talk to you for a minute?” The guy says, “Get the hell out of here” and throws the snail across the street. About a year and a half later there’s a knock at the door. The guy opens the door and the snail is standing there and says, “What the fuck was that all about?”

JOKE #2
A guy starts going into a new pet sore in his neighborhood to buy dog biscuit. When he walks in there’s a big cage by the door with a huge parrot in it. As he walks in the parrot yells, “Hey.” The man answers, “What?” The parrot shouts back, “You’re an asshole.” He thinks that’s pretty funny and laughs. He comes in a few days later, the parrot says, “Hey!” The man snaps back, “What?” The parrot announces, “You’re an asshole.” This happens 5 or 6 times. One day the guy comes in, the parrot says, “Hey” the guy says, “What?” and the parrot says, “You’re an asshole. The guy goes up to the counter and tells the owner that he’s not coming in anymore. I get this abuse at home and at work. I don’t need to get it here. The owner says, “Sir, I’m really sorry but I think we figured out why he’s doing that and I promise it won’t happen again.”
A few days later the guys walks into the store. The parrot is watching him. Watches him walk up to the counter, pay for his stuff and then start to walk out. The parrot is staring at the guy and just as he gets to the door the parrot yells, “Hey.” The guy angrily yells back, “What?” The parrot says, “You know what.”

JOKE #3
A guy sees a sign on the side of the road that says TALKING DOG FOR SALE. He can’t believe it so he stops and goes up to the guy on the porch. “Where’s the talking dog?” “He’s around back.” The guy goes around back and sees a big Lab sitting out back. “You the talking dog?” The dog answers, “Yep.” “So what’s your story?” “Well, as a puppy I realized I had this gift so I dedicated my life to my country. They sent me around the world snooping and sniffing around foreign embassies. Then the brought me back to the US and put me to work for Homeland Security and had me snooping and sniffing in airports around the baggage areas looking for anything suspicious. Got tired of that, married that bitch over there, had a few puppies now I’m retired.” He can’t believe his ears. He runs around to the front of the house and says, “How much do you want for the dog?” The guy says,”Eehhh, give me 10 bucks.” “10 bucks, why only 10 bucks?” “Cause he’s a fucking liar, he didn’t do any of that shit.”

JOKE#4
The President and Vice President are sitting in a bar trying to figure how to end the war in Afghanistan. The Vice-President says, “Sir, we’ll have to kill 140 million Muslims and 1 gorgeous blonde with huge tits.” The bartender leans over and says, “Why re you going to kill the gorgeous blonde with huge tits?” The Vice-President leans over and says, “See sir, no one gives a shit about 140 million Muslims.”

JOKE #5
A guy is standing in line at the supermarket buying dog biscuits. The woman behind him asks, “What kind of dog do you have?” He says, “I don’t have a dog, I’m going back on the Purina Dog Food Diet.” “Really, how does that work?” The guy says, “Well you put a bunch of the biscuits in your pockets and they’re there to munch on all day.” The woman asks, “You said you were going back on the diet, were you on it before?” “Yeah I lost 50 pounds but I woke up one day in the hospital with all these tubes coming out of me so I decided to stop.” She asks, “Did you get sick from the dog biscuits?” “No, I was sitting down in the middle of the street licking my balls and got hit by a car.”